Greetings…
This is the Secretary at the State Department of the United States…
We have a problem
The companies want something done about this sluggish world economic situation…
Profits have been running a little thin lately and we need to stimulate some growth…
Now we know there’s an alarming high number of young people roaming around in your country with nothing to do but stir up trouble for the police and damage private property
It doesn’t look like they’ll ever get a job…
It’s about time we did something constructive with these people…
We’ve got thousands of 'em here too
They’re crawling all over…
The companies think it’s time we all sit down, have a serious get-together — and start another war…
The president? He loves the idea! All those missiles streaming overhead to and fro…
Napalm…
People running down the road, skin on fire…
The Soviets seem up for it…
The Kremlin’s been itching for the real thing for years
Hell, Afghanistan’s no fun…
So whadya say?..
We don’t even have to win this war
We just want to cut down on some of this excess population…
Now look
Just start up a draft; draft as many of those people as you can
We’ll call up every last youngster we can get our hands on, hand 'em some speed, give 'em an hour or two to learn how to use an automatic riffle and send 'em on their way…
Libya? El Salvador? How 'bout Northern Ireland? Or a 'moderately repressive regime' in South America? We’ll just cook up a good Soviet threat story in the Middle East — we need that oil…
We had Libya all ready to go and Colonel Khadafy’s hit squad didn’t even show up
I tell ya…
That man is unreliable
The Kremlin had their fingers on the button just like we did for that one…
Now just think for a minute — we can make this war so big — so BIG…
The more people we kill in this war, the more the economy will prosper…
We can get rid of practically everybody on your dole queues if we plan this right
Take every loafer on welfare right off our computer rolls…
Now don’t worry about those demonstrators — just pump up your drug supply
So many people have hooked themselves on heroin and amphetamines since we took over, it’s just like Vietnam
We had everybody so busy with LSD they never got too strong
Kept the war functioning just fine…
It’s easy
We’ve got our college kids so interested in beer they don’t even care if we start manufacturing germ bombs again
Put a nuclear stockpile in their back yard, they wouldn’t even know what it looked like…
So how 'bout it? Look — war is money
The arms manufacturers tell me unless we get our bomb factories up to full production the whole economy is going to collapse…
The Soviets are in the same boat
We all agree the time has come for the big one, so whadya say?!?..
That’s excellent
We knew you’d agree…
The companies will be very pleased