I want a new duck
One that won’t try to bite
One that won’t chew a hole in my socks
One that won’t quack all night

I want a new duck
One with big webbed feet
One that knows how to wash my car
And keep his room real neat

One that won’t raid the icebox
One that’ll stay in shape
One that’s never gonna try
To migrate or escape…
Or I’ll tie him up with duck tape

I want a new duck
A mallard, I think
One that won’t make a mess of my house
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink

I want a new duck
One that won’t steal my beer
One that won’t stick his bill in my mail
One that knows “the duck stops here”

One that won’t drive me crazy
Waddling all around
One who’ll teach me how to swim
And help me not to drown…
And show me how to get down
How to get down, baby
Get it?

I want a new duck
Not a swan or a goose
Just a drake I can dress real cute
Think I’m gonna name him Bruce

I want a new duck
Not a quail or an owl
One that won’t molt too much
One that won’t smell too foul

One that won’t beg for breadcrumbs
Hangin' around all day
He’d better mind his manners
Better do just what I say…
Or he’s gonna be duck paté
Duck paté, yeah, yeah